Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
