I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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