Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
