she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
