My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
