You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
