Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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