"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
