Umm I'm too high to move.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
