drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
