dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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