jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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