Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
