ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
