and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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