Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
