i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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