im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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