At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
