My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
