So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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