New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
There's always time for handjobs
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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