Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
