just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dear god my vagina.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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