apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
