I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
