Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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