I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dicks are not precious.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
