I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
