What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
