I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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