I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize