Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
