can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
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