my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize