Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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