Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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