I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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