I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
