3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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