i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
