Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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