A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
