I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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