I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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