I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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