life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize