your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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