oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
