Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
