I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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