Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
