it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize