that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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