god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
