Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
