This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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