I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
