How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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